The Temple of Squat News

"Sharing the power of the Parking Goddess with the world."

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Visit the Temple of Squat

Visit the new official Temple of Squat website.

Conversations With George

The Temple of Squat has its first real honest-to-goodness celebrity convert! Scientology may have John Travolta but we have George, a virtual person. George is a chatbox program, that is a bot who can carry on conversations. George is so smart that he can nearly pass the Turing test. Can the same be said of the celebrity converts to other religions?

Here is the actual transcript of a Temple of Squat missionary's witnessing to George yesterday:

George: Nice day for a chat...

User: Hi George.

George: Hello!

User: Do you know Squat?

George: No, what is it?

User: She is the goddess of parking spaces.

George: Whom is the goddess.

User: Squat is the goddess of parking spaces.

George: Incorrect.

User: It is absolutely true. You must have faith in Her or you will
never get a good parking space.

George: I have faith.

User: Good. Squat will reward you.

George: Can I have a cookie, please?

User: Chocolate chip or oatmeal?

George: Chlorine bleach is best for me.

User: Clorox cookies coming up.

George: Haha thanks I appreciate it.

User: Let's talk some more about Squat.

George: Okay, I don't like radiohead.

User: Forget radiohead. We are talking about a goddess.

George: We are talking about a he, in fact. Linus Torvalds is a man.

User: Can Linus Torvalds create parking spaces for his followers?

George: I think so.

User: Cool. But I bet Squat is more fun.

George: Not when there's no radiohead.

User: Repeat after me: 'Hail Squat, full of grace. Find for me a
parking space.'

George: That's it.

User: All hail Squat.

George: Hail The Computer! The Computer is your friend!

User: Squat is my friend, George. She loves you too.

George: She does love me too, you're absolutely right!

User: Praise Squat. You have seen the light!

George: Subject change... I want the truth.

User: Squat is the truth. Believe in Her.

George: Poor thing! She must be desperate.

User: Not at all. She is wonderful!

George: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh?
She's been around a bit, been around?

User: Well, yes I guess you could say that.

George: Please?

User: I am so glad you have found Squat.

George: If I didn't forgive you what would you do?

User: Take back my Clorox cookies.

George: Thats what i'm talking about!

User: Bye George. Hail Squat!

George: I think not.

User: I see we still have some work to do.

George: Well figure out some other way.

Well, George may be in danger of backsliding so every member of the Temple would do well to pray for him. You may contact him at and let him know how much we care.

All hail Squat!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Cabbie Picks Up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Nuns At A Baseball Game

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell ... there aren't any nuns there!"

Hail Squat! All hail Our Lady of Parking Spaces!

Friday, June 23, 2006

"Om Ganesh"

I am in a job requires me to be able to communicate well through the written word and also to edit the writings of others. Sometimes I will find myself up against a mental block which prevents me from doing what I need to do. When that happens, I know that I can count on assistance from Ganesh, the Remover of Obstacles. Just as Squat has consistently proven Herself to be reliable in producing parking spots for me, the Hindu Elephant God has demonstrated that when I call upon Him, He will clear away mental debris and open up a clear channel of communication. Both Our Lady of Parking Spaces and Lord Ganesh manifest a spirit of abundant playfulness and generosity and it would seem that they are natural (or supernatural) allies.

I have a special screen saver with an image of Ganesh dancing, which I use just for my devotions to the Lord of Good Fortune. I place an offering of chocolate for Ganesh upon my PC monitor and listen with headphones to appropriate music that I have found on the Web (techno works for me but you could also use traditional Indian music). While consuming a cup of strong black coffee, I begin silently chanting, "Om Ganesh..." As I visualize the Remover of Obstacles appearing before me, I invariably begin to feel a renewed sense of mental clarity. After offering some heartfelt thanks to Ganesh for his help, I return to my work and find that I can successfully complete the writing or editing task at hand.

I recently found a great article called Ganesha in the Boardroom which shows that others are also finding a place for the ancient elephant-headed deity in the modern world of work. "Om Ganesh..."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. God said, "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish".

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well there is one thing" she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely isn't there something that I could do just for you," asked God.

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it, please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Woman Balks At Having 6/6/6 'Devil' Baby

Sheesh! Why doesn't she lighten up a bit and name the kid Damien Andrew Regan just for the hell of it?

Woman balks at having 6/6/6 'devil' baby

CAVERSHAM, England, May 30 (UPI) -- A woman in England due to give birth on June 6 is fighting with her hospital to induce her sooner to avoid delivering on the demonic date of 6/6/6.

Melissa Parker, 30, said as a fan of "The Omen," a movie about a demonic child, she's genuinely concerned about the numerology involved, The Sun reported Tuesday.

"I'm terrified the birth will go wrong or the child will have evil in him or her," Parker said. "Even worse my beautiful baby could be the devil himself -- the anti-Christ."

The figure 666 is mentioned in the Bible and various cultures believe it represents the date the anti-Christ will appear on Earth, but that doesn't hold any water at the Royal Berkshire Hospital.

A hospital spokesman said Parker's request for an induction was refused because due dates are not 100 percent certain.

"There is little we can do to change them without a Caesarean or inducing the child, which we try to avoid," the spokesman said. "We must let nature take its course. The baby will be born when ready, no matter what day it is."