The Temple of Squat News

"Sharing the power of the Parking Goddess with the world."

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Revised Charge of the Parking Goddess


Charge of the Parking Goddess

Listen to the word of the Mother of parking lots;
who was of old called: Squat, Asphalta, Gladys,
Patty, Judy, and many other names:
"Whenever you have need of a parking space,
wether on your way to work or to the mall,
then shall you who travel upon concrete streets,
call out to me who is the Goddess of all parking spots.
I shall provide guidance to you who offer me jokes,
and you shall be free from parking tickets,
and as a sign that you are truly free,
you shall have grins upon your faces.
Behold, you shall tell me funny stories,
and laugh hysterically in my presence,
for mine is the delightfulness of the snicker,
and mine is also the innocence and liberation of the fool.
My law is the law of endless mirth,
so rejoice in the freedom and wisdom that are my gifts.
Take nothing too seriously,
for mine is a silly secret that every child knows,
that now calls to you as from some long forgotten dream.
Wherever you go, I shall prepare for your arrival,
and in the abyss of traffic confusion, I shall grant you peace.
P.S. - Candy bars and colas are my food offerings of choice."

Hear now the words of the Parking Goddess,
She who keeps our feet from too much walking,
and whose abundance manifests in parking lots everywhere:
"I, who am the beauty of the front row space,
and the fulfillment of the successful journey,
the mystery of being in the right place at the right time,
and the delerious laughter of the faithful,
I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me,
for I am the soul of the urban parking lot,
and from me all good parking karma is born.
Let my worship be filled with merriment,
for behold, all one-liners are my rituals.
Let there be pranks, riddles, and a playful spirit among you.
For if you who seek to know me will laugh without reserve,
then we shall be as one."

The Charge of the Parking Goddess
is a traditional inspirational text used to worship the Blessed Parking Goddess (BPG).

5 Comments:

Blogger rraven said...

This site is bloody brilliant. Well done. All hail Squat!

4:59 PM  
Blogger High Priest Azariah Carrington said...

High Priestess RRaven,

Yes, all hail our Beloved Parking Goddess! There can be no doubt that She has called you to Her temple and smiles upon you. Consider yourself a true devotee entitled to all the gifts of Squat. May She bless you, and keep you, and always provide you with places to be.

7:54 PM  
Blogger rraven said...

"High Preistess rraven..."

I like the sound of that! My dog & I thank thee. We certainly need to be a devotee of something! May Ill Tidings never find a parking spot in your neighbourhood.

4:07 PM  
Blogger clamlipsis . . . said...

We Clams over in alt.bad.clams in the usenet newsgroups rightly know her as PISHNU GODDESS of PARKING.

12:05 AM  
Blogger Yvonne said...

The Virgin aspect of the Blessed Goddess of Parking is clearly Lovely Rita, Meter Maid.

2:57 PM  

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